Esther Day always reminds me to look with distance in order to see with perspective.

For anyone who doesn’t know, Esther Day, or Esthertines, is a celebration of the Birthday of a little girl called Esther Grace Earl. Today she would have been 18 years old. ‘A real adult’, as John Green said. She died. It was very sad. It was a while ago but it is still very sad and I think that it’s only human that we are still very angry about it both within and without the little internet-dwelling community of which she was a part.

But Esther did something to counteract this anger; the bitterness her death caused with the simple unfairness of it all. When given the opportunity by Hank and John, the Vlogbrothers, to have her birthday celebrated for as long as they were making videos she could have made Nerdfighters around the world spend this day wearing trousers on their heads or pretending to be trees or whatever. She chose something which, even at sixteen, I think shows her wisdom. She chose to make this a day when everyone had to vocalise their love. I think that maybe she knew it would be easier to dwell on the negative feelings evoked by her death and forget to do this sometimes, but then I could be very wrong and I don’t presume to talk for her.

So…

To mum and dad and my little sister Amy…

To the people who have come into my life this year…

To the people who have left it…

To the people who have been there my whole life…

To the Nerdfighter community…

To Esther, her family, and her memory…

To the people who follow me on twitter…

To the people I forgot to smile at this week…

To the fandoms I have found a place in…

To the people on the internet who use it for support and not trolling…

To the people who don’t understand the power of the internet…

To the people I have hurt…

To the people who have hurt me…

To the people who will think this post is lame and a waste of time…

I love you.

 

And sometimes I am crap at saying it or, worse, sometimes I forget to show it. Sometimes I am cranky and angry or sad and self-involved and I completely forget how small I am.

This year has been quite hard for me. I’ve had to make a lot of new friends (not something I’m very good at) and say goodbye to someone who, until very recently, meant the whole world to me, which was painful and upsetting and still feels like a fresh wound. It has been a difficult year of difficult adjustments. It has taught me a lot, and some of those things were hard to learn and all of this worry and angst has wrapped me up in my own head quite a lot and I have failed to take into account the people who are still around, the people who love me and who deserve to be acknowledged as having such a huge place in my heart.

Esther Day reminds me that being small does not make you insignificant. It should just make you grateful that you are important enough to have people in your life who love you, whom you can love in return.

 

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Support the This Star Won’t Go Out foundation by buying Esther bracelets [here] or find out a little more about who she was and what she meant [here].